I read a question on an adoption forum today...it was about an LOA. This innocent woman asked what color ink she should sign it with. Without any personal LOA experience, I still feel with a great deal of certainty I could have helped her with that problem. However, nothing nice was coming to mind. (I should mention that she has waited less than 2 months for her LOA.) I wanted to tell her where she could stick that pen of hers, or reply with a question like, "I still haven't gotten my LOA, what color pen should I ...." You can fill in the blank there, as I let myself get too carried away. I really couldn't simply tell the woman that black ink was safest, use that. No. So I was careful to leave the forum quickly, to keep myself from falling any further! I am honestly happy for her in a logical sense. No child, or parent for that matter, needs to wait in my opinion. But emotionally, I could not rejoice with her. Shame on me. I do mean and feel that too. What if this is her first little one?! How can my position even compare to the longing she feels? I am ashamed that I'm so impatient that I'm finding it difficult to be gracious.
I will say that I still think it was a silly question! Oh, and it's day 110. And my time of testing continues. Today was an indicator for how I'm not allowing enough of God's mindset to reign in my heart.