Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Warning: Bitter Tirade to Follow

I read a question on an adoption forum today...it was about an LOA.  This innocent woman asked what color ink she should sign it with.  Without any personal LOA experience, I still feel with a great deal of certainty I could have helped her with that problem.  However, nothing nice was coming to mind.  (I should mention that she has waited less than 2 months for her LOA.)  I wanted to tell her where she could stick that pen of hers, or reply with a question like, "I still haven't gotten my LOA, what color pen should I ...."  You can fill in the blank there, as I let myself get too carried away.  I really couldn't simply tell the woman that black ink was safest, use that.  No.  So I was careful to leave the forum quickly, to keep myself from falling any further!  I am honestly happy for her in a logical sense.  No child, or parent for that matter, needs to wait in my opinion.  But emotionally, I could not rejoice with her.  Shame on me.  I do mean and feel that too.  What if this is her first little one?!  How can my position even compare to the longing she feels?  I am ashamed that I'm so impatient that I'm finding it difficult to be gracious. 

I will say that I still think it was a silly question!  Oh, and it's day 110.  And my time of testing continues.  Today was an indicator for how I'm not allowing enough of God's mindset to reign in my heart.

Friday, August 19, 2011


I have nothing new to share.  I'm still here waiting and Jada is still in China and China is still holding my LOA captive!  So really, they're holding my Jada captive too!  See how easy it would be for me to get all twisted up with some less than healthy thinking!  The reality is that I have no idea why this is taking so long and neither does Holt.  This could still take another 3 weeks, according to some hearsay. 

I'm sad, and weary.  But this is starting to get laughable.  Is God smiling, thinking to Himself, "if she only knew what I had going on here...." ?  I never was in control here.  God always was.  He always IS.  Am I starting to get it?  Am I finally reconciling myself to this wait 3 1/2 months in?  I hope so, but tomorrow may be a different story.  God please help me to wait on You patiently.

I did get some pretty wonderful news today though.  I am going to be an aunt again!  I'll take that kind of news any day!  A brand new little heart is beating.  Praise You Jesus!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Maybe all of my titles should just be numbers.  This whole stinking process is waiting, waiting and more waiting.  I don't mind the paperwork.  At least I feel like I'm doing something to get our daughter home.  But once again that is all done for this go around.

Sigh.  It's been 104 days (since our provisional approval) in our wait for our letter of acceptance from China.

And now I fear we won't even travel this YEAR to get our Jada.  I think I may actually be doing better with the waiting, or is it just that I'm starting to think this will never happen and I'm shutting down?  Oh God, help me to keep waiting with hope...with xi wang.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

97 Days

But really, who's counting?!  I'm still attempting to remind myself that God is in control, even if we miss out on the 2011 tax credit and bring our girl home in 2012....who needs $12,000 to help pay for an adoption anyway?  It's contributing to our country's financial meltdown anyway!

But mostly, it's about this girl...

There's this sweet little face on the other side of the world, and God is going to entrust her to us!  I want the job now!  I know, I know.  We know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him.  If He seems to be delaying this process it's for our good and His glory.  He will show Himself faithful.  I will realize once again that I can do nothing without God.  Without His timing, all of it will fall apart including me!  This is really His little girl, His adoption, His money.  He will provide and I will wait for Him.  God has never let me down before.  With that said, He doesn't always do what I'd like, when I'd like it.  Actually it rarely happens that way.  So I ask again, God, would you change my heart and mind so that I will dream the dreams You have for me?

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Nothing New

I still have no news to share.  I STILL HAVE NO. NEWS. TO. SHARE!  Aack!  This is day 94, and it's Saturday so it'll be day 96 before there's even a chance of LOA news.  I need to stop thinking it will come, but other people are starting to get theirs and well I can't fight this small twinge of hope that keeps tormenting me!  I can't wait to meet this little girl that I've prayed for and dreamed about for the last year and a half!

She's so cute, and needs a mama!  Here am I Lord!  Send me!!!

Friday, August 5, 2011

A good day, even without an LOA

Several very good things happened today (okay, yesterday now that it's past midnight).  Our little neighbor was taken to the hospital yesterday with appendicitis, and today he came through surgery successfully and better than expected.  Praise GOD for the health of this little fireball of a boy that we love!  The next thing was my cousin and his wife had their baby girl today!  It took nearly 24 hours of labor and 4 hours of pushing to get her here, but mama and baby are healthy and safe!  Aww, praise You Father!  And then there is the rain we got and a 20 degree dip in temp...it wasn't 113 on my car thermometer today!  It was only in the low 90's.  And on the China forum, some people got their LOA today.  We didn't, but some did, and I'm taking it as a good sign that more will follow and I'm praying we will be in one of those batches soon!  I was a little disgusted (for a little bit) that these people hadn't waited as long, but I got over it pretty quickly.  I congratulated them and didn't even ask to be stuffed in their luggage when they traveled, although the thought crossed my mind.  I would rather us all get our children more quickly, so why begrudge someone?

So all in all, this was a very good day, even without our LOA.  And it also gets me thinking about why these things were so good.  In each instance there was some serious waiting, praying and struggle which caused each victory to be sweeter.  It reminds me of the worship song that says, "Joy would have no meaning, without sorrow and pain, And if we knew no dryness, how could we love the rain?"  We will have such intense joy, such unspeakable joy when our Jada gets here.  Which reminds me of another song:

"Holy Spirit blow through me, touch my heart and there will, there will be....Such joy!  Such unspeakable joy, such peace, an everlasting peace, such love, a pure and holy love, Spirit have your way in me!"

I know we would have been beside ourselves with excitement if we could have gotten her sooner, but I also know I will have a deeper appreciation for the magnitude and greatness of what God is accomplishing in our family through this miracle of adoption because it has not come so easily.  I can honestly tell my new daughter that I longed for her like I did my biological children and cried impatient tears for her just like I did her brothers and sister.  Hopefully I'm even coming out on the side of reason these days, with my OCD tendencies (of email, blog & forum checking) being overcome more & more each day. 

Am I ready for my LOA yet God?  I am afraid He's waiting for me to learn something here.  It could be patience.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Feeling more hopeful

Don't get me wrong, I'm still obsessively thinking about our Jada, and reading everything I can get my hands on about China, about adoption, about the transition children go through.  But I am growing more hopeful as the days slowly creep by.  The wait hasn't killed me YET, and I doubt it will...most days!  I read it is taking an average of 72 days from LOA (letter of acceptance) to TA (travel approval) and that means we could still travel in the beginning of November if we would get LOA around August 10th.  That's some real numbers, not just Beth's pie in the sky dreaming.  So while my hope is in Jesus Christ, I do have some statistics to go along with my hope of traveling THIS YEAR! 

Oh God, please use this time of waiting to prepare our little girl.  Please prompt her nannies to encourage her about how her life will change.  Please let them tell her we love her and will always care for her.  Will you tell her too please?  Oh let this time bear much fruit in her young life.  In the Name of Jesus, Amen