Thursday, April 28, 2011

Deeply excruciating wait.

I haven't shared my blog with anyone.  It seems that I share too much of how I am really feeling to let anyone (I actually know) read this!  So if you do read this, it is likely we haven't met, and I can unashamedly say that this is painfully hard.  This waiting to find out about our daughter is excruciatingly hard.  How do people do this for 5 long years?!  If you have, I salute you. You are a better woman than I.

Yes, I'm whining.  Yes, I already have 4 beautiful, happy & healthy children.  What is this longing, this unearthly desire to find a daughter from China?  I can only explain it as God-given.  He has laid this on my heart, and I couldn't release it if I tried.  This is the culmination of a calling we received 8 years ago, nearly 9 years now.  I don't want to eat or sleep.  I'm dying to find out who our little girl is.  How old is she?  What is she like?  How long has she been waiting?

This wait will likely only get harder after we know who she is.  I try to tell myself this and be reasonable.  But the truth is that we can't move forward until we know who she is.  Our adoption process is now stalled.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Brooke Fraser - Albertine video

This song has inspired me and spurred me on.  It also conveys my longing...

LID and waiting

We were logged in with China as of 3/31/2011!  That's great!  However, now we're waiting for a referral.  The referral is the real deal.  We find out who our little girl is with the referral.  Today was a release from China of a shared list of children that need to be adopted.  I've heard of three people so far that have gotten called and we have not.  It's 5:09pm and we didn't get called.  No call.  Nothing.

I'd love to say I'm okay with this, but I'm so flipping out on the inside.  Just because we didn't get called, doesn't mean we won't this month, but we may have to wait for the next release.  Or the next, or the next.  Did I mention they only come out once a month?!  AAAck!  My impatience is hitting a fever pitch.  Oh Lord God, help me to handle this gracefully.  I'm not feeling very calm, cool, or collected right now.

The logical part of me understands that we are waiting for God's perfect will here.  That includes the perfect match and perfect timing.  The emotional side is screaming "NOW!"  She has waited for us long enough!  Sigh. 

We're waiting with you little Xi Wang.  We long to know your name and stare at your picture until we can see you face to face.  You are loved and you are wanted.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

DTC #2

So we are officially DTC and waiting to be LID.  (The dossier has been sent to China, but doesn't have a log in date yet.)  Have I mentioned my struggle with impatience?  Maybe I wallow rather than struggle with it.  Altogether possible.  Ugh.  How can we get matched if we don't get logged in?!  Huh?  It's been a whole week already.  That's sarcasm, in case my tone didn't come across.

This may take a while, this matching of parents & child.  I fear that everyone else in this process is completely unaware of the imaginary timeline I have laid out in my head.  Surely they must see the logic in traveling in September.  If we don't get matched soon though, that will be impossible.  (October is a bad time for China with some market thing going on, plus one of my son's birthdays.  November is Thanksgiving.  December is 500 family birthdays and Christmas.)  So September it is!  Later only enters my thoughts in nightmares. 

I will concede that God is in control of all of this.  He will send us to China in His timing, which will be best for all involved.  You know Father, and I choose to trust you.  Please, please, let us go quickly to get her.  I will continue to ask, knowing you love me enough to tell me no.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

DTC #1

DTC...dossier to China!  That was March 25!  Fundraiser was the 26th and it went so well.  I think we have raised all of the money for our matching grant, praise the Lord!  Now we are trying to figure out the finances thing while we wait.  Waiting for you, babe!  So we haven't gotten a referral yet.  It's been a whole week, COME ON!  Trying to be patient, but again, I'm terrrrrible at waiting.  I had to go back and add a couple r's to terrible, just to give it some oomph.  I'm checking my phone and email all the time now, just in case I missed something.  Oh please God, keep this ball rolling, and may Your will be done.