I've tried twice to post something this evening, once on a blog and once on an adoption forum and it just wouldn't let me. Am I just not suppose to say anything tonight?! Is my dark and dreary mood just so bad that God is protecting others from my cynicism and frustration?!!!!! Sigh. I thought we had our I-800, but we don't. Many others got theirs last week. We didn't. Why am I surprised?!!!! Putting questions marks and exclamation points together is one of my favorite things to do these days. There should be a separate kind of question mark that conveys emphatically questioning frustration.
Twice recently I've read blogs testifying to God's sovereign, good plans that get played out ONLY after significant waits.
And as I sit here, my sick-to-my-stomach, sad-longing-self just can't see it. I know it in my head. But I can't feel it in my heart, or see it with my eyes, that somehow my little Jada girl needs to wait to come home. I pray, oh I pray, that this will somehow mold me into the kind of mama who will be long-suffering and understanding of the needs of this sweet girl that we haven't even begun to know. Right now I feel like I've got a lost child, and they called me and told me they found her. For some reason she ended up in China and I can't go retrieve her until the paperwork is completed. I just hope I don't sob and gasp for air when we meet Jada, like I did when we found Adler after losing him in Walt Disney World. He knew he didn't need to be afraid of me, but Jada might freak out if I act like that! Okay, so I'm going to take my sore heart and go to bed now. Jesus, please hold my little girl.