Numb.

I have been moving at a turtle's pace lately.  I've even read two books this week:  Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See, and The Hundred Secret Senses by Amy Tan.  This should have been a week of frenzied work around the house and flower beds, before swim lessons and football start next week.  But, I am moving as if caught in a bowl of jell-o.  I'm not checking my email as often, so that's improvement, and I'm not quite as morbidly sad.  I'm just numb now. 

We did go see Cinderella at Starlight this week.  That was fun, but I was wishing Jada was there with us.  We also ate at Stix last night, which is a Japanese restaurant with hibachi style dining.  I've been yearning for Bo Lings, but this was a lovely substitution.  It was a little more fun as I reminded myself that we WILL be going to China someday to get our girl, and I relish seeing more Asian faces and look forward to tasting authentic Chinese food. 

And I sit here, day-dreaming about our little Jada instead of catching up on the bookkeeping for the farm account.  I really need to do that.  Sigh.  But I'd rather do a little photo editing....

Another 2-3 weeks

That's how much longer this LOA wait should last.  Another 2-3 weeks.  I'll live I'm sure, but man oh man.  I'm sure blue about it.  God has this plan that He is not letting me in on, and I know it'll be for our little Jada's best.  But if I'm being honest here, I don't like it.  I've had this sense of urgency, this overwhelming deep need, to go rescue a little girl for a year and a half.  I do realize that she has no idea that she needs to be rescued.  Maybe that makes it worse.  I don't know, but I'm dying over here.  Why do I have this sense of urgency, when I can't go quickly?!!  I've begged for God to ease up on me, so I can let this go, but this maternal love is bigger and stronger than I am.  I couldn't get away even if I wanted to.  So I will sit in the Refiner's fire a little longer.  I just pray that I can somehow attain what I am meant to during this wait.

and waiting some more....

Well, here we are at day 81 and we're still waiting for our LOA (letter of approval).  Not that I'm counting or anything.  I'm in a bit of a dark mood today.  I didn't realize it until I had to speak to one of my unsuspecting family members and everything I said was tinged with grouchiness.  And here I thought I was doing okay today.  It goes to show that character can only be tested by other people.  Anyway....

I have no news to share, nothing to write about except this sad, nagging expectation of an email, that is likely not coming today. 

I better pray then, huh?

Oh Father God, You know what should happen here.  Please, let Your good, pleasing and perfect will cause all of the adoption paperwork to happen in Your timing.  Please help me to learn this patience You are trying to teach me during this time.  Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Help me to be real with myself and others but also to rise above this self pity I feel today.  I'm sad and anxious and just want to bring this little girl home.  Please hold her and ready her for her transition into our family.  Please cause this time to be fruitful for her, that it will be beneficial for her to wait somehow.  But I do ask that PLEASE, please let us move along as quickly as Your perfect timing will allow.  I'm so sorry that I am not waiting gracefully and making better use of this time on my side of the world.  Please help me to do better. 

You alone are worthy.  In Jesus' Name, AMEN 

Update!

OH we got an update!!  Yippee!  Here's our girl!

You are too cute Miss Jada!

Everything in her report was very normal and she has grown a bunch since the date of her original file, which was nearly a year old.  She sounds like a happy little girl who eats and sleeps well.  She's speaking in sentences and is said to be "a quick and lovely girl."  Well she certainly looks lovely to me!  I wish I could hold you and squeeze you!

While I'm Waiting

Here's where we are...

"In the I-800 process, after you are matched and your dossier has been sent to China (DTC) and logged-in (LID) (sometimes people are matched prior to their dossier being sent, and other times after), you will be waiting for the CCCWA (China Center for Child Welfare and Adoption) to issue you your Letter of Acceptence (LOA). Upon receipt, you will then file your I-800 (not to be confused with the I-800A which is filed as part of the process of completing your dossier). Once you receive your I-800 approval, the National Benefits Center (NBC) will send notification of your approval to the National Visa Center (NVC). The NVC will then cable notification of your approval to the U.S. Consulate in Guangzhou, China. You will then wait for the "cable letter" or "cable email", which is necessary in order to proceed with the next step. You will email your agency a copy of the letter or email, and they will in turn forward it to their staff in China. They will then deliver it, along with other documents you will have prepared, to the Guangzhou Consulate. The Consulate will then issue you the "Article 5", which basically states that the child you hope to adopt meets the Hague's definition of "orphan" and can therefore be internationally adopted. Your agency's courier/staff will pick up the Article 5 and deliver it to the CCCWA in Beijing. Then, you are waiting for the CCCWA to issue you your Travel Approval (TA). Once that arrives, your agency will secure your Consulate Appointment (CA) with the Guangzhou Consulate and then notify you of your confirmed travel dates."

To simplify it, here's a numbered list:

1. Home Study
2. I-800A
3. State Certification & Chinese Embassy Authentication of Documents
4. Dossier to China (DTC)
5. Dossier Log-in Date (LID)
6. Referral of Child!
7. Letter of Intent (LOI) for specific child
8. Pre-Approval (PA)
9. Letter of Approval (LOA) from China (This is what we are waiting for right now.)
10. I-800
11. Cable Letter
12. Article 5
13. Travel Approval (TA)
14. Consulate Appointment (CA)

These last 5 steps usually take 2-3 months, and when travel approval comes you can travel in about 3 weeks.  So we may not travel until November.  Did you get a pain in your chest as you read that, as I did as I typed it?  UGH.  I am the WORST wait-er in the world.  September sounds okay, yet still a longer wait than I think I can bear.  November sounds like torture.  UGH.  I think I'm going to listen to some John Waller, "While I'm Waiting."  Oh let it seep into my soul, God.